When we decided to be open about our fertility issues and share our story publicly, we did it for several reasons and we gave it a lot of consideration before pulling the trigger on that first post.
I am incredibly glad we did decide to share, for a number of reasons, but mostly because we both felt that there is value in sharing stories and showing people that these kinds of things can affect anyone.
Unsurprisingly, the toughest thing about sharing this process is having to share bad news.
It’s been about two months since we lost our baby.
Two months is a milestone I’ve looked forward to because two months was the time we were told me might be able to try again.
We love Speck. We will always love Speck. It is difficult to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced pregnancy loss how it feels to love a baby that is growing in your (or your partner’s) body and to never actually meet that baby and see it grow into the dreams you have for him or her.
It’s not something that can really be understood by anyone who hasn’t been through it, I think, and that’s nobody’s fault. It’s just reality.
Still, I have countless friends and family who’ve shown up to support us in person, through the mail, through phone calls and messages. It’s been incredible the way we’ve been wrapped in love through this process.
If I’d have known the first try would end the way it did, maybe I would’ve hesitated to share this process. But knowing that hesitation, I’m glad I didn’t have a heads up.
I’m grateful that our instinct was to share, because I’m not sure I could’ve made it through this quietly. I know a lot of women do and I admit those women are stronger than I am, because I honestly feel like I needed every ounce of support we’ve been given and I am forever grateful to our loved ones who recognized that.
But I really didn’t start writing this with the intention of being reflective.
Because it’s been two months and, while we will forever love the baby we had for just a few weeks, we’ve reached the point where we’re able to move forward and try again.
My test results came back negative for the things our doctor thought might’ve caused the previous miscarriage. Our doctor seemed a little disappointed because he wanted more. He wanted a clinical answer. We didn’t really get that.
What we know is that Speck was genetically normal and I don’t seem to have any underlying issues that might make pregnancy difficult to maintain.
A science mind would prefer to have something to fix. I’m just grateful to hear I’m relatively normal.
Now we have to assume the miscarriage was just something we’ll never explain, but also something we can set behind us as an independent issue that likely doesn’t foreshadow a repeat issue.
I feel good about that. I feel good about our chances. I feel less anxious than I was last time because I know the whole process that is ahead of me. I just feel good.
And as weird as it feels to say that, because my heart still aches for the baby we won’t meet, I’m grateful that I can say it.
So here’s where we are:
I’ve quit drinking alcohol (yep, no alcohol this holiday season, send me your best festive cocoa recipes!) and am cutting back on caffeine again (easy, because I really drink coffee for the ritual of drinking from a warm cup in my hand and I honestly don’t hate decaf). I’ve already started the medicines that are necessary before the transfer, though the shots won’t begin for a couple of weeks. On top of that, I’m also continuing to go to therapy and it is extremely helpful as I try to find ways to calm any anxiety that this round will go like the last. I can’t recommend therapy enough – for anyone going through anything or nothing at all.
In a few more weeks we will have an embryo transfer and then we just wait and hope and pray. I’m really looking forward to doing this during the holidays, because I am at peak joyful in November and December and holiday decorating and baking and family time are the perfect distractions for me.
Happy Thanksgiving, Merry [early] Christmas (don’t roll you eyes at me) and [non-alcoholic] cheers to good things ahead!